I have not lived my life with the passion it deserves.
It has been so easy to forget how splendid and fashinating it is to be alive.
So easy to live on rutine and habits. Theese changes we're going through are terrible. It hit me today and I stopped breathing for a while.
Pictures of our realalationship swirled across my memory
I looked at and touched all the plants in our windows. I've brought them up from seed, almost everyone of them. I've put time and affection in the work of keeping them alive. I smelled your clothes and looked at some photos. There is not a thing in this apartment that we did not bring here togehter. We've built this home from skratch, together. It is, as always, filled with warmth and love. You're essence lies like a shimmering stardust, covering everything. This is your home.
I took forth the shard from that pot you gave me, that the cats borke. I loved that pot very much, it was a symbol of how well you knew me. I hated it when you first gave it to me. You said that when you saw it you knew you had to give it to me. It was ”so me”, you said. When you gave it to me I thought you were so wrong, I would never glance at it a second time. But, as with everything you give me, I realised you were right. It was so me. And i loved that pot.
Of all the pieces it broke into, I saved one shard. As a reminder. First of all for the reason stated above. But also to keep in mind that we do not controle everytning. We can do all in our power to protect sometnhing, but sometimes it is not up to us. My pot broke, no matter how much I loved it. I placed it on the safest spot, on the highest, most unreacheble shelf. Still the cats got to it.
Nothing has broken our love. But we have a testing time ahead of us. This home does not belong to us anymore, and we have to live apart for some time. I cant remember a night not spent in your arms.
All those years you walked right behind me, waiting for me to see you. I didn't bother to glance a second time. I wasted so much time being silly, stupid and proud. In a really gentle way you told me how wrong I was, and that I have to change to become beautiful. And I have started to become my self. You are so loving and you are my hero. We will make this. It is not for a long time. My thoughts are always filled with you. Wether you are here or not.